Trust

This is probably going to be a long post, so I apologize in advance! And there are no pictures :)

I logged in this morning to make a change on my blog. In my profile I stated I was a mom of 2, step mom of 1, but now I’m a mom of 3!! But, I also need to change the sentence that said “soon to be homeschooling mom.” Because instead I am going to be a “sending my kid to public school mom.” Oh the horror that some of you are feeling right now! Believe me, I felt it too! I wanted to put my feelings into words, maybe nobody cares, but maybe my kids will read this someday or maybe someone can relate, or maybe it’s just therapeutic for me, but anyway….

Anyone that has spoken to me in the past 2 years knows that I have been OBSESSED with what we were going to do for school. 2 YEARS!! Since my daughter was 3 I have put her in preschool, pulled her out, re-enrolled her in preschool, bought 2 homeschool curriculums, and gone to public school open house and orientation! Obviously, I am not good at making up my mind. I told my husband to “just make a decision and tell me what to do.” Anyone that knows me knows that is crazy too! J But, he wouldn’t. He had to just go on being all supportive of whatever I chose geez! But, now I only have 3 days to make a decision. I do better under pressure anyway, so not sure why I wasted all this other time worrying! Again, I digress…

This morning I finally felt peace. The peace I’ve been wanting for 2 years. Last night we took my girl to Kindergarten orientation. She loved it. She smiled ear to ear the whole time. She rode the bus with a friend and a friend’s mom b/c I couldn’t get on w/ my 2 other little ones and Daddy was working. She didn’t even look back at me, but did stop to giggle out loud as the bus pulled away and she waved at me. My shy little girl was so happy and she was driving away from me! I told her that I would drive her to school when it starts in a few days and she told me “NO.” She wants to ride the bus. I said, “I’ll just drive you for the first week.” She said “No, I’m going to wait outside on the bench swing and when the bus comes I’ll come in and tell you my driver is here.” She cracks me up….but then I realized she doesn’t even want me to wait outside with her!!

Do you ever have those moments where your heart hurts and is happy at the same time? I haven’t experienced that until this morning.  My heart hurts b/c in a few days I’ll watch my little girl, my first born, hop onto a bus and drive away from me. She’ll be away from me for more hours than we’ve ever been apart before. She’ll experience things that I have no control over. She’s happy now, but I know there will be heartache and life lessons learned early, maybe a little too early. BUT, my heart is happy b/c I’m giving her wings. She’s ready. She’s completely confident in her ability to do this. She’s jumping on the bus and not even looking back at me! Sad, but happy!

I know things may not work out like I want. I know there will be things I don’t like. But, I know that God is with us. I didn’t feel that in my homeschool. When we would homeschool I was tired, cranky, and impatient. I was not a blessing to my family; I was not showering them with the same grace God showers upon me daily. My heart was hard. I prayed to God the other day and asked Him why he is letting me fail at this. Why he’s not making this work if it’s what He wanted. And the response I heard was “I didn’t ask you to.” I realized that maybe I was homeschooling b/c everything I read says it is better, because all of my closest friends have decided to homeschool, b/c I think I’m a better mom than other mom’s if I homeschool. Ouch, that hurts just to write it! I may have treated my kids with less joy and gratitude b/c I was being a martyr. I thought I’m giving them me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week by homeschooling them. But truly, I wasn’t. I was giving them a martyr. Someone who thought she could be impatient, rude, crabby b/c she was a homeschooling mom.  Homeschooling became my idol, and God despises other idols than Him.

I also am a fearful person. God says not to be fearful. I fear for my kids, for their health and safety. I fear for my own health and safety. I fear for my husband’s health and safety. I fear for the safety and health of my parents and other family members. I fear my kids won’t grow up to know God. I fear we will struggle with finances. I fear, I fear, I fear. But, I wasn’t made to fear. I was made to trust. This morning as I was praying I stopped and again I heard “Trust me.” What better way to show God I trust Him, then to send my heart out in the open. How could I not trust God w/ my kids? He loves them more than me. Did I really think we would all be safe because I would homeschool them? Yes, I did. I thought I could have some control, but I don’t.

Some think it is harder to homeschool your kids. They think it’s harder to choose that lifestyle then it is to send your kids to school. Maybe they think moms that send kids to school are lazy, or want a break from their kids. And yes, there are those moms. But, I think just the opposite is true, at least for our family. It’s harder for me to let her go then it is to keep her home. It’s going to be harder for me to guard her heart, and mine. She’s going to hear things, experience things that are of this world and not what God wants for us. I’m going to have a lot of explaining to do! I’m going to have to be present and active in every detail. Situations and issues are going to come that I may not have had to address if I just keep her home, safe and sheltered from the world around us. And I didn’t even mention the 7:45 AM school bell we have to be there in time for!  But, I think God wants us to be in the world, but not of the world. I trust Him. I really do. I asked Him to take all my worry and fear and do whatever it is He does with the junk we give Him. I asked him to help me stop worrying constantly. I am still fearful, but I know God wants me to get over that, and maybe sending her to school is me working on that and giving it to Him fully. There is no other way for me to prove my 100% trust then to do this. I feel peace; my girl is full of joy. God is with her. Some may say “how can you send your child somewhere where God isn’t allowed?” But, I know at least one public school where God will be….He is with my girl for sure. And he’s doing some work on me at the same time.